Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize