there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
