yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
