Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
