This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
