Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
