feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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