Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
