if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize