remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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