You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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