OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
