My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
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