I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We need to rekindle our bromance
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
