OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
