One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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