i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
