did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
