The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
