We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
