There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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