Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
