get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
