sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
