Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
