so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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