So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Let's get the cat blown out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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