i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
