im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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