I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
