Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
