Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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