i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
