Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
