There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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