Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
