he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
