So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
