Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
