State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
