You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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