Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
