what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
