I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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