Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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