im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
