i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
