just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
