And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
