beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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