I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
