where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
