I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
