did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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