Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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