My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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